All of us seem to search. Some of us are more aware of it than others. To be around people and laugh but feel so isolated.
We search for love. Love is what each of us truly desire. Whether we recognize it or not. It’s so easy to reach for a facade. Why do we do this? Are we that desperate for love? Has the meaning of love been forgotten and have we turned it into something cheap and shallow? I think some have.
I don’t even let myself get that far. I keep myself safe. I grew tired of longing and waiting. I finally sat still and said, “The hell with it. Fuck it. If it’s meant to happen for me it will.” Until then I’ve just sat here. In a quiet room listening to nothing but my thoughts. Dark thoughts. Thoughts most people would condemn me for.
This life, has been no friend of mine.
It’s now 6 am. That means that the west coast is at 4 am and the east coast at 7 am right now. I often think of things like that. People are bustling around on the east coast and still sleeping in LA. Well, some are anyway.
Regardless. I’m laying on my bed looking at my painting of “My Sweet Rose” by Waterhouse. Not my favorite art but I had to purchase it for some reason. Maybe its the simplicity or the stillness. It’s peaceful. Maybe it makes me feel in tune with nature. Who knows. On the other wall a photo of a man at a piano. Smoke coming out his nostrils and mouth. Relaxed, and the old white tank top the man is wearing is the comfort that I’d like to find in everyday life. Worn in, broken in. Comfortable. I’d like to find that person called a soul mate. Someone I’ve known before in other lifetimes. Why does it seem that there is always some kind of obstacle or wedge or circumstance that keeps people apart. I have to relinquish my hopes sometimes. I have to drop my head and let the tears spill onto my legs. I could be given the chance to walk right up but I’d never do that. I suppose I believe too much in fate. If it’s mean to be it will be, if not, then I suppose another lifetime then.
I’ve always loved the movie “Somewhere in Time” It’s been my favorite since I saw it when I was very little. I cried the first time I saw it and I still cry when I watch it. The only thing worth much in this world is love. Love is what matters. A person can hide behind anything. A mask, liquor, drugs, wealth, fame, or walls and over everything, above everything one thing remains. Love. Love endures forever. Through lifetimes, and years, and eternity. …..The Taj Mahal is still standing.
Just a post to say once again it’s not what it seems. No matter how much you want it to be.
Stop making a sad mess.
Just stop and take a moment
It’s not the one you think it is
Stop, breathe, stand still
What you’re searching for is getting ready to happen. Stop concentrating on the signs you think are there, and realize and think about all the signs that say it’s not the one.
It’s funny at midnight – the things you can see. The corner street lamp puts out a glow and those same golden leaves can be seen. Every few minutes …falling to the ground. Effortlessly they fall. In the distance a dog can be heard barking, and then the moment of solitude I mean complete solitude. When things go quiet in the night.
Oh when we were younger and scorned in love. we always wanted the beautiful girl or handsome guy. Never to have it.
We get older and by chance we find ourselves being welcomed by those that would have scorned us when we were young.
How flattering and oh how our emotions and egos feel for once in our lives – they feel good! it’s all so “written in the stars” it just has to be! Then years fly by and we realize love is important. What we felt was love, only bit at us again.
When oh when will be choose the right path. When will things give us what we really want. True love. Not love that is fleeting. Not love that is a lie masking itself as “YES this is the one!” Oh to wake up and find that we to still search. We want it so much we will see and take anything as a sign. We want that kind of love so much we are blinded.
I do have a love of the darker things. My home is not full of gothic items, candles, and incense. It’s on a soul level. I can’t tear myself away from it and I don’t want to. I am drawn like a moth to a flame. It’s a part of me. That odd, dark, mysterious stream of blood flowing through my veins.
Ah you keep searching
Searching for years
Having some fun
But the feeling of
It’s just not quite right
I understand it all too well
Many times I have dreamed
To die in romance to die in love
The greatest wish of all.